Part 3: We are really grown-ups

I am at that place in life I always dreamed about as a child. Married to a wonderful person, good job, in a beautiful place. I really wanted to fast forward through the hormones and angst of the teen years and the soul searching in college and just be with someone stable, and be put-together myself. Having the memories of lessons learned, but not experiencing the pain of going through them.

What I did not know then is that when you're a grown-up you still learn, grow, and experience challenges. There will still be heartache, grief, financial strain, big decisions, and unknowns. Insecurities fight their way into life and you have to swat them away like nagging flies. But there are magical moments too. Like celebrating your husband's 40th birthday!

                     

 

           

 

Clay's 40th birthday in June was a wondrous celebration. Both of his sisters, his brother-in-law, and his parents traveled across the country to visit us. We did a Santa Barbara weekend including a sunset cruise, a tour of the mission, wine tasting, and exploring beautiful beaches. The scenery did not hurt at all, but the best gift was spending time with Clay's family. We had been so homesick for them. It meant so much that they all coordinated and came to celebrate his special day. Thank God for families!

I would say there is a contemplative side to turning 40, and that is just that is awakened once again our desire to be parents...and not be too old to enjoy grandchildren one day.  That stupid biological clock gets louder and more and more nagging - which is frustrating when you've been battling infertility. Around April we began pursuing adoption.  We had an initial meeting in April and a follow-up meeting in June.  And, it was completely overwhelming on so many fronts.  

We were feeling stressed and like we needed to hurry up and fit a million things into a small time frame while potentially moving, and figuring out just how to make the finances work out.  Just so much to process.  Then we took a step back and realized that we don't have to be on anyone's time-frame but our own.  Really we would like to be homeowners first, so that was our next manic quest.

The fact that our rent house is up for sale was another kick in the pants toward owning a home. So we were looking feverishly...but the staggering costs of owning a home out here have been a mild roadblock. So again, we wait.  We think we'll be in a better place next Spring...we may have to rent if this house sells. But we're just taking it a day at a time. We covet your prayers. We want to make wise decisions and not hasty ones.

Buying houses and adoption are two huge things that never even entered my imagination as a child. Things would just happen and be there when they were supposed to.  And maybe I need to adopt that child-like attitude again and know that things will work out.  I am just impatient, and the waiting game is not my favorite.

I am a big believer in the fact that the sacred and the mundane are inextricably intertwined in our daily lives. There are highs and lows and frustrations and joys each and every day.  It's hard to fit a year into even 3 long posts because I realize all the things I'm leaving out.  The sunsets, great hikes, phone calls, festivals, making new friends, the antics of saintly Red dog and the mischievous Barkley, family trips like the 4th of July in Colorado (the first time I had seen my nephews in a whole year),....

Cue spontaneous outburst into song:

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty five thousand moments, oh dear

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets

In midnights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, a year in the life?

You know you were thinking it too. Just had to put it out there. Oh, Rent. Takes me back to high school choir shows. That was THE song to sing. Anyway...back to my ponderings on being a grown-up and how to communicate the significant goings-on in a year.... There's just too much ground to cover since I'm not a disciplined blogger. I will limit my news to just a few more items. 

On June 15, I sent my friend Lori a FB message telling her that I was praying after learning the news that her cancer had metastasized. She told me she was going to start brain radiation the next morning and she was scared. I told her that I would be scared too and again that I was praying for comfort and peace. My words felt insignificant and not enough. It's during times like this that I think of that verse: 

Romans 8:26-27 English Standard Version (ESV)

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[a] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

There is just so much words cannot even express. I'm hoping my prayers reached her and were of comfort even if my words fell short to express all that was in my heart. About a month later I was thinking about Lori quite a bit.  I felt very urgently I needed to speak with her. Again I had so few words.  I could only express that she was in my prayers, but the subtext felt so heavy to me.  She responded that she was very thankful for prayers especially during that time. I know she probably had more words she felt too. Again, the subtext was heavy, palpable. A week later, Lori passed away.  

I still can't believe she's gone. I'm so thankful to have known her. To me, I always feel safe knowing people are around, whether or not they are near or far. When someone leaves this world, it feels like they are no longer there to hold up their piece of the universe. And the world feels more uncertain. Lori held up her corner with her beautiful smile.

Though my heart was heavy, it was lightened by the company of dear friends. Clay and I met Kendra, Ian, and Gracie for dinner on their way through town. To see some faces from home and catch up on many years gone by was a beautiful thing.  A few weeks later, Erin came from Texas to rescue me from my workaholic ways. Sometimes God sends your friends across the country to make you leave work early and go wine tasting.

And last but not least, we rounded out our California anniversary month with a trip back to Houston for a wedding. We brought with us, happy tidings and a suitcase full of gifts (either early or late) for birthdays of friends and family. Our happy tidings are 1) Clay is 100% cancer free and 2) there is some hope that in time, we may be able to conceive our own children.

The wedding was such a beautiful day. J.P. and Laura, we were so blessed to be present on your big day! We enjoyed the fellowship of so many friends we had not seen in over a year. Friends shared about new babies and new homes and new adventures as we celebrated the new marriage life of a great couple! I would not have traded this day for anything.

I also caught up with the cousins and had fajitas. I could have cried. Let me tell you, California does wine  and olive oil very well.  But they don't do Mexican food or barbecue. We made sure to partake in both while in Houston!  And furthermore,... California is not stocked with  (my) cousins. An obvious flaw.

And finally, I got to visit with my best friend, Elisa & her family. Elisa, Michael, Ruby, Kay & Kent transcend mere friends. They are family too. Could not have asked for a better way to finish the trip than a hug from Miss Ruby.

We went back to our house on the hill with full hearts...but it won't be too long before we'll need another Texas fix.

Many more adventures, decisions, plans, trips, laughter and tears to come. A new year here, a new season, and more memories to make.

Love from California,

The Millers